Stop Expecting, Start Agreeing: A Simple Shift to Strengthen Relationships
By Sarah Hollandsworth
We all carry expectations, whether we notice them or not. They slip into our daily lives almost automatically. You might expect a colleague to respond to an email right away, a partner to pitch in with chores, or a rehearsal to unfold without hiccups. And when those expectations aren’t met? Frustration builds. Disappointment sets in. Sometimes even resentment follows.
Here’s the catch: most of those expectations are never spoken. They live in our minds. So when reality doesn’t match the picture we’ve created, it feels like a failure or a broken promise, even though no promises were ever made.
The shift comes when you turn expectations into agreements. That’s where assumptions give way to clarity, and relationships find more ease.
Expectations vs. Agreements
Here’s the key difference:
- Expectations are assumed. They’re often unspoken, unilateral, and loaded with personal meaning.
- Agreements are explicit. They’re spoken, mutual, and chosen by everyone involved.
An expectation is essentially saying: “I expect you to know what I need without me having to say it.” You’ve probably been on both sides of that one.An agreement, on the other hand, says: “Let’s decide together how we’ll handle this, and both commit to it.” Instead of waiting to be disappointed, you create clarity up front.
Why Expectations Trip Us Up
Think of an unspoken expectation as a premeditated resentment. When we cling to expectations that we never articulate, we set ourselves and others up for failure. We begin keeping score. We replay the story in our heads of how it “should” have gone. We feel let down, sometimes even betrayed, even though the other person never agreed to it in the first place.
It’s not that expectations are wrong, they’re human. But when we cling to them without communicating, they almost guarantee conflict and disappointment.
Agreements change that. They give us something solid to stand on: shared understanding and shared responsibility.
The Power of Agreements
Agreements bring things into the open. They create clarity and remove the guesswork. When you have an agreement, everyone knows what they’re committing to.
- Clarity: No more wondering if someone’s on the same page.
- Trust: Mutual consent builds reliability and confidence.
- Accountability: If something falls through, you can revisit the agreement instead of blaming the person.
Think about the difference between silently expecting your roommate to do the dishes versus agreeing together: “I’ll take care of the dishes on weeknights, and you’ll handle weekends.” That’s a much sturdier foundation.
Applying This Shift
Think about where expectations are sneaking into your life right now:
- At work: You expect your team to show up to meetings on time, but no one has agreed on what “on time” means.
- At home: You expect more help with chores, but you haven’t said what that looks like.
- With friends: You expect someone to “stay in touch,” but you haven’t named how or when.
Do you feel the difference? Expectations stay vague. Agreements are concrete.
Choose one area where unmet expectations have been frustrating and ask yourself:
- What do I actually want here?
- Have I made that clear?
- How can I turn it into an agreement instead of just hoping for the best?
Reflection
Where in your life are you holding onto expectations that no one else has agreed to?
And just as important: What would shift if you turned one of those expectations into a clear, shared agreement?
Closing Thought
Expectations live in the shadows. Agreements bring things into the light. When you stop expecting and start agreeing, you trade frustration for clarity, resentment for trust, and silence for genuine connection.
This week, I invite you to practice turning one unspoken expectation into an explicit agreement. Name it, share it, and see what shifts in your relationships and within yourself.
Sarah Hollandsworth is an ICF certified executive coach, strategic consultant, and sales and marketing executive with over 15 years in the music products industry. www.sarahhollandsworth.com
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